What is Your Pleasure, Sir? My June Horror Block!

'... but there was one box which I found exceedingly puzzling, and which I felt much averse from showing to other eyes."

-H.P.Lovecraft, The Call of Cthulhu

Dammit_Nyarlathotep_Give_Me_The_Pretzels

 

I admit it. I'm a total freak for Lovecraft. I slipped an invocation to Cthulhu into my Bar Mitzvah prayers. I tried to get my middle school music class to sing the campy mythos songs in the back of the Call of Cthulhu RPG 3rd Edtion, much to the confusion of the teacher. So when I hear Horror Block is doing a month with Cthulhu, how could I possibly keep ahold of my money?

Horror Block is a subsidiary of Nerd Block, where the idea is to send you about $60 in random stuff each month for $20 plus shipping; in my case, about $30. With money to burn from the gift certificates students threw at me as the school year ended, how can I refuse? I mean, sure, I could have wisely used them like a responsible adult.

So I ordered the June Horror Block!

  The green paper? Yeah, not giving clues to where I live.  I saw how that worked out for Piers Anthony.

The green paper? Yeah, not giving clues to where I live. I saw how that worked out for Piers Anthony.

The box looks very attractive, which I suppose is a drawback if you have a mail service that leaves parcels on your front door. 

Ive_Seen_Worse_Sealed_Evil_In_A_Can

Only a strip of packing tape prevented me from beholding the true alien horrors of the universe. Eh. I've seen worse security on sources of evil and destruction.

  Yeah, hobo Alice Cooper with scissors could totally unleash this evil.

Yeah, hobo Alice Cooper with scissors could totally unleash this evil.

Hoping for something labeled "CTHULHU CULT," I cast open the box!

Packed_Like_The_Angles_Are_all_Wrong

What do we have? Initially, we have a hashtag (Hi, Horror Block!), a shirt, and...

Old_Castro_Always_Kept_One_In_His_Pants

...behold, the tiniest plush Cthulhu ever. Seriously, I have three of the smaller ones, and they're all bigger than this. He's certainly cute, though.

 No one really gets the number of eyes right..

No one really gets the number of eyes right..

It was my wife who spoke up and brought me untapped joy. She passed her Idea Roll, and recognized what I could not.

I_See_Forever_Hug_Me

Those twin pools of adorable cosmic indifference were embroidered, not glued on.

I_Can_Nap_Soundly_No_More

I had found baby's first Cthulhu! A snip of the tag, and my kidlet had lost her first 1d6 sanity points!

The company that makes this toy must be really new. The day I opened my box, their website only contained one image of their plush toys and more "Under Construction" labels then a 90's Geocities site.

Lets_Try_To_Make_It_Right_Oh_Goddamit

Then we have the shirt, which... I didn't recognize. I Googled the slogan, but only got links to that Five Nights at Freddy's song that can get stuck in my head for up to 10 hours at a time. A little more research identified it as a Purge: Anarchy shirt... which I hadn't seen yet. I immediately ordered it from the library, not wanting to be like the 7th graders at my school who wear Misfits T-Shirts without having even heard of Glenn Danzig or Michale Graves.

 Not about to relive that year of college where every laundry day, I had to wear that Earth: Final Conflict shirt...

Not about to relive that year of college where every laundry day, I had to wear that Earth: Final Conflict shirt...

Then we have an Alien ice tray.

Quarantne_Quarantine

I don't care if it rarely looks as good frozen, my Han Solo in carbonite tray proves I'm a sucker for these things. Pretty sure I could've got one with the Alien's head, but I like this one.

Knife_Will_Be_Lost_In_Point_Five_Seconds_Once_Opened

A Scream retro figure. I like this toy series, although I wish I'd gotten Sam from my yearly Halloween movie staple Trick R' Treat. Not being very actiony, he'll go on the DVD shelf.

I had my friends come over recently with their five-year-old. He asked "Who's the ghost?" I calmly explained that he was just a guy in a mask who murders people, to which his mom replied, "Oh, he's a guy in a mask!" She then waved her arms at me and mouthed "No murder! No murder!" Apparently, I had broken the No Murder Rule; better wear my Purge T-Shirt.

 Cover accurately depicts  what happens if you mess up his scene.  Not safe for any work, including Christian's.

Cover accurately depicts what happens if you mess up his scene. Not safe for any work, including Christian's.

Wrap that up with an issue of Rue Morgue magazine. I suspect they're a staple of the box, considering they've offered 10% off codes for the service. Honestly, it's not a bad way to keep up a subscription.

The_Mark_On_The_Right_Is_Where_My_Friend_Swore_the_Disposable_Grill_Wouldn't_Damage_My_Table

All in all, not bad. The Cthulhu was a new kind I didn't have. The properties were all recognizable, except for The Purge, which is my fault since That Is A Thing. It is, right? Also, there was a cheat card included in case I truly failed my Cthulhu Mythos and Library Use rolls. My main worry was that I would get a Funko figure of "Human Guy Who Was in The Walking Dead for Like FIve Minutes." Overall, not a bad use of thirty bucks. Once my budget goes away from self-publishing, I might subscribe.

After all, even the box is useful.

 After all, even I can only carry so many Monsters in My Pocket at a time...

After all, even I can only carry so many Monsters in My Pocket at a time...